The Battle

"There's a battle between good and evil

 

And it's raging inside of me

 

There's a struggle, it's God and the devil

 

It's love against the enemy..."

 

                                  -Chris August

 







One afternoon my older (barely) sister Stephanie and I headed down the dirt road that made its way to our pig pens. Before we left, our parents reminded us of our need to replace our flip flops with the tall black mud boots near the back door. Rolling our eyes and sighing deeply, we did as we were told. The screen door slammed behind us, and we were on our way.

Our walk to the pig pens was uneventful as usual. The walk home continued in the same way, as we talked about whatever happened at school that day and what our evening plans consisted of. As we got about two-thirds of the way home, our giggles and smiles faded. From out of nowhere,  a pack of dogs approached us. They growled and circled the two of us as if they were staking claim on their supper. One at a time, the dogs began to snap their jaws at us. Stephanie and I moved closer together, and I watched as one of the dark canines took a chunk out of her right boot. I felt one of them nip into mine, but became distracted with the now bleeding mark on Stephanie's calf. I had never been more scared or caught off guard in my life. We had only gone to feed our show pigs, not this hungry dog gang!

As we held onto each other, Stephanie and I tried with every fiber of our beings to not scream our heads off. At one point, she opened her mouth to scream and I covered it with my hand. Something in me said to be still, and to pray. I began to pray outloud over my sister and myself. Almost instantly I felt the Holy Spirit reign down. It was as if He was hoovering. Waiting for us to call on Him. Waiting for us to recognize our need for Him in the midst of this torture and fear.

As we prayed, I opened my eyes long enough to see a white dog run at us. Afraid that he was only going to add to this torturous mix, I flinched and closed my eyes again. But something miraculous happened! That white dog chased the others off and away from us. I had opened my eyes long enough to see him running after the others. One black dog stopped and tried to come back for us, but the white dog made sure he stayed away.

Still in shock at what had just taken place, Steph and I made our way (pretty sure we ran) to the house. Inside, through tears and still in awe, we showed everyone our mud boots, scatches, and bite marks as we told the story. It turns out, our neighbors had no big black dogs at the time, and no one had ever seen the white one before or since.

One day after moving back to Texas, I went for a walk to clear my head and praise God. On my way home, a neighbor's white dog joined me to my left. I was reminded once again of the goodness of God, and the need to remember His faithfulness. He reminded me once again during my morning devotional...

"I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything. It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you truly desire. Your thoughts close in on the problems like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life!"
                                       -Jesus Calling, Sarah Young


In connection to our dog story, I want to leave you with an awesome story I was given a few days ago:

The Legend of the Two Wolves

 

 

An elder was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil-he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego. The other is good-he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and in every other person, too." They thought about it for a moment and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

 

The old man simply replied, "The one you feed."

 

 

Father God, we know Who has won the war. Help us to fight the battles within our minds. Help us to fight them with Your Truth, Your Word. Help us to feed the good. Help us to have compassion, joy, humility, peace, hope, and kindness. Help us to live with victory in mind. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

 





Take Off Your Masks

“For it is not you who will be speaking-it will be the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” –Matthew 10:20

 I must tell you that the response to this blog has been overwhelming and humbling. My heart has been filled with joy and thankfulness as I’ve watched the beginning of an unfolding of women (and men alike) come to a place of readiness and willingness to experience surrender before God. As we now come to this place of brokenness in our minds, there must be a connection made from there to our hearts. So, the question is what now?

Come out of sadness

From wherever you've been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin...

                                       ...Come find your mercy

                                        Oh sinner, come kneel

                                        Earth has no sorrow

                                        That Heaven can't heal.
                                          
                                                      -David Crowder


The first thing we must do, is pray. I know. You came to this link to read, not pray. I get it. But as God has been showing me through our study of Nehemiah, any form of goal-attaining must start with prayer and preparation. In our case, our goal (our heart) is to determine the "things" that are holding us in bondage. The "things" that have broken us. I want to encourage you to stop here for a few minutes to pray when you're finished reading. Ask God to reveal the areas you are struggling in. Is it pride? What about forgiveness, self-worth, anxiety?

As God begins to reveal or further confirms your areas of struggle, there is a second thing I would like us to do. Find a mirror. Literally. It's time to take a long look at ourselves...

...but before you look into your mirror, reflect on this story God reminded me of today:

My sophomore year of high school I sat in our biology lab, anxiously awaiting the teacher and the remainder of the students to come into the classroom. This was no ordinary first day of school. It was my first day at this school, and my nerves were getting the best of me. After a few minutes, my teacher walked in performing a well thought out monologue of his expectations for our class. He gave us the analogy of a mask. He told us that we all come from different walks of life, we all have different things going on, and we all wear different masks. His rule, as he explained, was that upon entering his classroom our masks were to come off. We were to lay them outside his door each morning, and he would do the same.

Lets be honest, we all really do wear masks. We are constantly in motion of taking one off then replacing it with another that fits the scene we're entering. A mask that covers up our broken pieces.

A mask is not hard to take off, is it? Well, if you're ready and willing...I would say no. But what about when you've allowed that mask to become your identity? For some, taking off the mask is like ripping off a bandaid. For others, there will be skin-removal involved. Just as I said before, we must come in our brokenness and face it head on...

So start here. It's time to take off our masks. Go look in your mirror. For at least a single, full minute look in your mirror. Don't use this time to wipe away left over mascara, straighten your hair, or check your teeth. Just look. What is it that you see? Are you wearing a mask? The mask of a soccer mom one step away from a mental breakdown. A single woman pretending to be on top of the world. A divorcee questioning her worth. A grandmother scared for her grandchildren. A business woman questioning her abilities. A married woman scared of losing her family. An addict tired of hiding. A church leader overwhelmed with responsibilities. A Christian girl beating herself up because it's just impossible to meet the mark. A college student stressed to no end. A friend lost in the fear of replacement. A broken girl, scared to admit who she really is because you think you're the only one who struggles. A woman who just doesn't have it all together, and is tired of feeling like a fraud...

Take the mask off. Take it off! Do you see it? You are beautiful! You are stong and loved and worthy. That face. The one with eyes of fear and a mouth that has forgotten how to smile. Yep, God loves that face. You, my dear sister, are forgiven. You are redeemed, worth dying for!

Let me take you back to that sophomore biology classroom. Before we were released, our teacher explained that we could pick those masks back up and put them on. However, he encouraged us to remove them before every class. God used this experience to show me my need to shatter my masks (yes, plural) completely!

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up YOUR face...

-David Crowder

 When I looked in the mirror for the first time, I mean really looked, I saw a girl so worthless and ugly that I couldn't help but look away (Satan had me locked into this lie for a long time). I looked into shameful eyes, and saw a heart so deeply rooted in bitterness, anger seemed to ooze from my reflection. You may not believe me, but up until five years ago I struggled with anger. I got so angry, so easily that slammed doors, screams, and broken dishes were common for me. The beginning of my heart change came when in an argument with my ex-husband. At one point during our argument, I became so mad that I threw a potato peeling knife at the sink. The knife hit so hard it stuck in the wood at the front of the sink. In that moment I was shocked my anger had overtaken me to that point. My mask had to be removed! I could no longer wear the mask of the perfect mom, the perfect Christian girl, the conceal don't feel girl. I got rid of that mask...exposed my broken pieces...but the days, months, and years following that incident left me praying, begging God to deliver me from my anger. 

There is a scene in the movie Man in the Iron Mask where one of the brothers is about to be placed in his iron-locked mask. He cries out with the saddest of voices, and fights with all his might to avoid having it placed on his face. See, God doesn't do that to us! He doesn't want us to wear them! He wants us to expose our faces. Expose the very depths of our hearts and souls. He wants us to see the beauty He created us to be! Not the monster we are often tricked into seeing.  

I just let go

And I feel exposed

But it's so beautiful

'Cause this is who I am....
             
                          -Plumb


I get a little teary-eyed when I think of droves of you flocking to mirrors in your bathrrom, or your bedroom. In your car or reaching for your make up compact. Some of you are about to see your beauty for the first time. The real you! In all your mess, your beauty (Christ in you) is shining through. Some of you will see it and choose to throw your mask back on, because it feels familiar and safe. It feels good. It hides the real you, so you can avoid the world and its unsettling, controlling, and completely irrelevant opinions. I'm here to tell you that I'm proud of you for trying either way. If you left your mask off, get ready for God to reveal things to you like never before! If you put it back on, try again tomorrow! I'm praying for you; for us. I know it's hard! I have to fight this battle daily. Insert girl raisng hand emoji here! BUT I'm determined to remove my masks, and replace them with the full armor of God every morning!

I was so caught up

In who I'm not

     Can You please forgive me?

    I've nothing left to hide

   No reasons left to lie

  Lord, I'm ready now...

About four years ago now, God delivered me from that awful anger. Completely and totally took it from my body. From my heart, mind, and soul. I now struggle with anxiety and am trusting in His power to heal me if He sees fit or at least surrender it to Him so that it is manageable. We are living in a broken world, so we all have things. We all have stuff. We all have issues. Lets take off our masks so we can see what ours are. Face them. Start the process of conquering them. Break their chains in Jesus' Name! Amen.

A Broken Me

 Do you ever feel alone?  That’s not a text a woman expects to see flash across her smart phone screen at two in the afternoon. Especially when the fingers that typed it are the ones she’s held onto for over twelve years.  Alone?  Really? Why would he send me something like this? Just as any wife would do, I had always encouraged communication, but alone? How dare he make me feel as if I had failed at making him feel wanted! I know the opposite to be true! I have tried my best to keep him posted on goings on, asked his opinions, and respected his decisions! Hadn't I? Alone? Although that word echoed through my head for a matter of minutes, the reality is that just as I shouldn't have to apologize for feeling angry and hurt after reading those words, he shouldn't have to apologize for typing them.

I starred at my phone screen for what seemed like hours. All I wanted to do was fall to the kitchen floor. I didn't understand why a simple question would hit me so incredibly hard. I think it was because in my spirit I knew what that lone question meant for our marriage. All the distance and struggles of the last several years were about to finally be brought to the surface. They were finally going to be exposed, and the “things” I had hoped were only in my imagination or would take care of themselves were hitting me head on. For the first time in my life, my Christian bubble had been popped. No. Blown to pieces. The idea of marriage I had dreamed of as a young girl was unraveling from both ends, and nothing I could do would stop it. Truths long hidden, on both our parts, were brought to light and God was all I had to cling to. A pale face, carpet-burned knees, and tear-stained pillows seemed to be all that was left of my life. All that was left of me. It hurt to breathe; it killed me to live. By the grace of God, my boys slowly gave me the motivation I needed to at least attempt to put one foot In front of the other.

Find me here at Your feet again

Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender

Come sweep me up in Your love again

And my soul will danceOn the wings of forever-Hillsong United

 The months following the text that changed our lives forever were excruciating. I had never cried so much,  and know I had certainly never spent more time with God. Within a matter of weeks, a final decision was made and the boys and I moved to Texas to be near my family. I sat almost lifeless one night after we had been in Texas for a few days. I cried out to God. I was determined to fight for our marriage, but I still refused to surrender it fully to Him. As if my having a small amount of control over it would help the outcome. About a month after my heart cry, I was finally able to completely surrender our marriage over to God. In that moment, He released me from the union that had started with a love story of two young kids at a local rodeo event. It was hard and it was painful, but in that moment I felt peace like I had never experienced.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3

The death of a marriage is more of an emotional thing than I ever realized. I feel like, as Christians, we have grown so numb to the idea of divorce that we pretend it never happens, it never could happen to us, or we just judge those who experience it. Today’s society seems to accept it as just another unfortunate outcome with no real long term effects or need to prevent it. Let me tell you something…it hurts. It’s a loss. It’s certainly not something you just “get over” and it completely changes a person forever! 

For me, it broke me. The fear of losing the person I loved most in the world, the fear of hurting my boys, the fear of failure…it all happened in one fell swoop. I was broken. There were so many pieces of me, that any attempt to put them back together only caused more brokenness. As I cried out to my Heavenly Father in the middle of my living room floor one night, He showed me that I could never successfully place my broken pieces back together. I HAD TO surrender every piece to Him. Let me tell you, He sustained me, held me, healed me, and helped me through the worst season of my life. He is beyond faithful. Although I can speak of His faithfulness during my journey, I must tell you that I am still healing. I wake up in so much agony some mornings, the thought of breathing makes me cringe. I find myself in social settings so unsettled that I want to run and hide in my car. I stay up late into the night, because the thought of the pain that tomorrow could bring becomes unbearable. The level of anxiety, worthlessness, and fear that I have allowed Satan to bombard me with is ridiculous. I have spent the last year fighting off fiery arrow after fiery arrow. My heart knows the Truth. My heart knows that nothing formed against me shall stand. But when I choose to stand in my brokenness on my own strength, those promises seem small. No more.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18

As you read my daily posts, I hope you’ll see that all this…ALL THIS healing and surrender MUST start with our brokenness. It MUST start with our realizing that we cannot do life on our own and were never meant to. It MUST start with a willing and broken heart coming to Him to be fixed and healed. Admitting, confessing, and understanding our NEED for our Almighty God.  Joyce Meyer told a story once using the images of two broken clay pots. If you take a flashlight and shine its light into the one with no cracks, the light inevitably has no where to go. It stays hidden. But if you take the same flashlight and shine it into the broken clay pot, the light shines completely through. It shines so bright and in so many directions that there is no mistaking its light. That’s who I want to be. I want to be that broken clay jar. I want to come and fall at the feet of Jesus, completely surrendered, and allow His light to shine through me.

So this is where it starts for me. I hope it starts here for you, too. Come to Him just as you are. Not as who you are supposed to be, who you would like to be, or who you dreamed you’d be. Come as you. In Hope. I’m just a girl. No different than you. Just a broken girl. But now, I’m determined to live victorious and free from the bondage of the “things” that have broken me. I’m determined to be, not just a girl broken into a million pieces, but a girl…surrendered.

And God’s says

I’m gonna turn it into something different

I’m gonna turn it into something good

I’m gonna take all the broken pieces

And make something beautiful like only I could

So put it all in the hands of the Father

Give it up, give it all over to

The only one who can turn it into

Something beautiful

Something really beautiful-Steven Curtis Chapman

So this is where it starts for me. I hope it starts here for you, too. Come to Him just as you are. Not as who you are supposed to be, who you would like to be, or who you dreamed you’d be. Come as you. In Hope. I’m just a girl. No different than you. Just a broken girl. But now, I’m determined to live victorious and free from the bondage of the “things” that have broken me. I’m determined to be, not just a girl broken into a million pieces, but a girl…surrendered.

                 All to Jesus I surrender. 

                All to Him I freely give. 

               I will ever love and trust Him. 

               In His presence daily live.